I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
