I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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