not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize