just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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