you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
