laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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