you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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