apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
