Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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