his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I looked at my own cervix.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
