you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
