Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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