hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
