My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
