you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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