Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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