i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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