i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he thought i was a dude.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
