oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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