two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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