I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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