I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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