She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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