u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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