I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
