his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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