I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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