i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
