He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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