I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
