I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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