maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
