My cat gives me a boner
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
