Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
