paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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