I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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