I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize