dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a hot homeless man
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
