God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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