now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
