I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
