Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
