So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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