you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize