just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
