I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
