i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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