i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
