just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
