would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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