I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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