I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
