Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize