Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
