The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
