He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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