Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
