I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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