I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
