I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize