I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
