and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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