see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
