I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
