Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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