I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The uberlube is also flammable
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
