My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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