I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
